I know what you’re thinking. This gift guide is coming very late in the season, but so will all of your packages. It’s the most wonderful time of the year to remind your gift recipients that time is a flat circle and nothing means anything anymore, so why not do it as you tell them these gifts are on the way?
For the lady who has it all, and the gift giver who has a deep wallet
An antique half-gallon embalming set, from bazaarbaltimore.com. Perfect for the vintage lover in your life, this set even comes with an OG set of yellow rubber gloves. Help her plan her next Stepford Wives cosplay while expanding her collection of funerary articles. Discerning customers may observe that the bottles are empty, but refilling them with your own locally sourced embalming fluids means that you can also use this kit to live a Zero Waste lifestyle. Perfect for the ‘gram alongside your bamboo toothbrush and beeswax food wraps.
For the smooth-skinned socialist who never gives you a second look
A Friends of AK Press book subscription from publisher AK Press, with different pricing options available at AKPress.com. This subscription to the long-standing anarchist bookstore and press gets the recipient of your choosing all of the books published that month and you get a gift as well in the form of discounts at the site.
For the girl who is listening to The Shins in the doctor’s office
The Apple Airpods Max. Large enough to be placed over your head with little to no warning by a young woman who is sure to be your ticket to a fully realized life, requiring no introspection, therapy, or emotional labor. Light enough to be tucked into a messenger bag. In a variety of colors to coordinate with various shades of Manic Panic.
For a beach bunny with an hourglass figure
The only present this year that can do quadruple duty as a headphones case, a purse, a pair of booty hugging track shorts, and a brassiere that lifts and separates. The Apple AirPods Max carrying case. Comes with a flattering cheek//breast//cup highlight and mesh handle//halter strap.
For the artist who knows TikTok dances
Get her the forbidden pudding. Just do it. Individual gouache paint cups set available at a variety of fine drop-shipping retailers in sets of up to 56 colors. Probably should have ordered it in August though. This is 100% shipping from a Wish warehouse in China even if your Amazon retailer insists it isn’t.
For the foodie on the go
Perfect for outdoor dining inside a wind-blocking enclosure that fully surrounds you and your air particles but is out on the sidewalk or bike lane, Moschino has graced us with a bag that emulates the size, toast, and sheen of bread. A pastry made of leather calls to mind pepperoni rolls, but this gluten-free crossbody appeals to the “finer” Parisian tastes of racist rich people by emulating a croissant instead.
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